Posted by: rocketbride | January 26, 2016

nemesis

TV is in a weird place culturally right now. The decline of broadcast television and the delivery of whole seasons via DVD or the Internet has made it both easier to be a fan and harder to talk about it with other people, because no one is at the same place you are. In the weird, guarded way we discuss tv now I had watched a few Girls references go past, but I generally wait for the second ping before I decide to do anything. I mean, I probably should be doing something useful instead of looking for more tv, right?

This year My Force Awakens fixation led me to Adam Driver; my Christmas magazine had Jemima Kirke on the cover, so eventually I knew I had to see Girls.

Opinion among my online circle was sharply divided: some were cautiously encouraging, others hated the show, everyone warned me about the graphic sex scenes. I watched a few clips online, I reserved the first season through the library, and last week I dived in.

Having finished the season yesterday while in the middle of the tuberculosis sanitarium that is my life, I’m still not sure that this was a good idea. I’ve been thinking about how grateful I am not to be in my 20’s any more, which is good. But I’m still not sure that I should be spending so much time with people I am deeply ambivalent about.

Things were further complicated when I realized that Ophelia had recommended the show to me last year with the added note that the main character reminded her of me. Which is always flattering, but maybe never an entirely good thing. At least, I’ve always found it unsettling. And especially so in the case of Hannah Horvath, a narcissist who thinks trauma is being 13 pounds overweight her entire life. But after my initial Nosferatu-esque recoil, I warmed to the idea a tiny bit.

Ways in which I will admit to being similar to Hannah

  1. I have freaked out, and denied that I was freaking out so I wouldn’t appear uncool.
  2. I assumed that, if I wanted to, it would be easy to get a teaching job.
  3. I have followed up a workout with homefries, so I would likely do the same with ice cream.
  4. I have called a more successful girl my nemesis without being aware of my own petty jealousy.
  5. I have helped myself to a reading break at work instead of doing anything more productive.
  6. I have eaten junk food in the bathroom to avoid what I perceive as judgement 5
  7. I have dressed up to go out as if I was about to put a hex on some popular girls.
    girlshannah
  8. I have erased and rewritten a tweet several times.hannah-horvath-480x320
  9. I have been really excited about my dress almost matching my shoes on a fancy occasion.  hannah_horvath
  10. I would let co-workers draw eyebrows on me because they think it would help my look.
    52abaa0f19925b4c9c5b949e0b2c0d13
  11. I would eat cake on a beach, by myself, in the morning, before trying to figure out a way home.
    aomnot0119
Posted by: rocketbride | January 23, 2016

unwell

I have been fighting a cold for days, and we’ve reached the point where I can stop feeling guilty for backing out of things becuase I am well and truly sick. I have spent most of the day quiet, because when I speak in a normal tone of voice I start coughing uncontrollably. I have many many things to mark, so silence is an ok strategy; it’s just the parts of the day when I’m required to be a parent that don’t work out as well. I spent the last half of dinner glowering across the table at my soup-eating children, gesturing encouragement and trying to use any latent telekinesis to make them eat faster.

I don’t like being sick. I like the excuses for comfort food and lying down, but every other thing blows. I would have had to mark this weekend anyway, but maybe I would have done more this week instead of “recovering” from the exertions of teaching, so I wouldn’t have had all that much to finish.

Either way, my ticklish chest thanks you for your attention.

Posted by: rocketbride | January 19, 2016

the democracy of ants

There’s a documentary we show sometimes called I Am; if you haven’t seen it, it’s about a rich director who has a life-changing injury and spends his recovery travelling and asking interesting minds what’s wrong with the world and what can we do about it. There are many, many ideas – as you would expect when you ask a diverse group – but one of the greatest take aways for me was the idea that cooperation is in our DNA alongside competition. And that researchers have been able to measure electromagnetic energies that change when we are around others.

One of my biggest struggles when I’m low is not getting through the moments: it’s my tendency to isolate myself. I’m an introvert who is constantly surrounded by people, so a little alone times isn’t a bad thing, but I quickly get beyond the point when its helpful and into a place where I’m depriving myself of the interactions that can pull me up. This last push of marking before the end of the semester has had me in a constant state of low-grade anxiety since the year turned, and I am coping with it in beautifully unhealthy ways: isolating myself at work whenever I can, skipping group running, searching out stuff to feed my latest media fixation. I’m not marking and I’m not feeling refreshed.

This isn’t a big insight here. I’m just processing.

Posted by: rocketbride | January 18, 2016

two can keep a secret if neither of them blog

I keep thinking that eventually I’ll tell stories about New Year’s Eve. It’s the kind of thing that my writing used to focus on: some sort of event that took me out of the regular complaints about lunch meat and anxiousness about whatever race I have to run next.

But I realized that I will never write a compelling entry about New Year’s Eve, nor have I ever done so in the past, because too much of what happens on any NYE should remain shrouded in mystery. Not because it’s shameful – I didn’t throw up in anyone’s flowerbed or insult someone to their face – but because conversations on New Years are all transient and liminal and they are full of secrets that hide on all the other days and nights. To tell the true story of New Year’s would be to pull apart all of those earnest confidences. Truths that hide in the ground year round come up for one breath of air that night and then submerge again as if they never were.

And also, it’s none of your business. It probably wasn’t any on mine either, but I was there so I got the blessing.

I think this is what I truly miss about my pre-child life: being around kids is surprising every day, but being around independent humans opens the door to another kind of surprise. And though I have felt the need to hide during so much of this grey season, when I think of NYE, those small secret surprises are what I look back on, and what I look forward to finding again.

Posted by: rocketbride | January 17, 2016

should auld acquaintance with the PBJ be forgot

My final tally for the weekend is 13 essays and 22 folios. I have 2 more folios in the class set, but I am under the delusion that I can finish those in the morning over a cup of tea before I leave the house. This fantasy is powered by the fact that my kids are at my parents, and it’s not even because I’m going feral from too many hours spent on the couch with a mechanical pencil: they have a day off tomorrow, so they are sleeping over and then going swimming.

I, on the other hand, am hunched over plastic containers eating cold chicken, then rooting around the fridge for a raw vegetable for a few vitamins. It’s…pretty sad.

rocket

I took a break in the late afternoon to take Maggie out of the house. Mason likes to cook for several hours straight, so instead of letting Netflix babysit her while I pegged away at my STUPID STUPID MARKING, I took her to the mall to walk around and look at some clothes that I may even buy when I no longer feel guilty for taking 20 minutes away from the marking to unload the dishwasher. Anyway.

pinkbagofjustice

the PBJ in B&W on my 1stWD

She is a little obsessed with bags and purses and backpacks, and today she decided to load up The Pink Bag of Justice with a variety of plastic foods. I have a bad habit of never cleaning out my old purses, so until relatively recently this bag was still full of things like a cigar butt Poet had smoked at the ’97 Fireball and the napkin in which the Boy & I had written out our prenup so that he could take the Bobby Orr picture (which he did indeed take. I have no idea why he would want to pack a picture of a hockey legend and the woman he was leaving, but he did).

bobby

oh my God, I’m so fucking young.

I threw away a lot of stuff that day. Gross, old, smelly, sentimental stuff. All of those adjectives are redundant.

I am totally charmed that she wants to use this bag. It was a gift from an 11 year old during the single summer I was a camp counsellor, and it was my faithful companion through many a dark and sketchy dance club (it was also the reason I attracted notice from a strange woman in the middle of the night.)

Plus, she gets bored with carrying the damn thing quickly, so I get to wear it most of the time anyway. Next time she wants to take it out, I’m going to insist on packing Jayna & Max, for old time’s sake.

Posted by: rocketbride | January 15, 2016

freaking the freak out

I spent most of Monday at the hospital with Mason. On Tuesday my glasses fell apart the moment I tried to wear them in the morning. On Wednesday I stayed home because Maggie refused to even try to behave. On Thursday I received 53 more projects to mark.

My plan for the weekend is to nail myself into a room and mark projects. I have 66: 13 essays and 53 projects (that include an online component what the hell was I thinking?). When I return to work I will still have 31 tests, 8 scripts, 53 creative poetry projects and 106 literacy test practice pieces.

No wonder I feel like I’ve been run over by a bus. It’s not just the hours of sitting in a chair, it’s the obsessive tallying in the guise of planning. I desperately need an afternoon in the city. I’m pretty sure if I focus on this end, rather than the stuff in between, I won’t lose hope.

I would like to post an inspirational picture of myself having fun in January but none exist for the last 13 years. Perhaps this is my month goal.

Posted by: rocketbride | January 14, 2016

bad decision dinosaur

The crummier I feel, the worse my decisions become. I have achieved hardly anything tonight, or at least it feels that way, when I have actually done some important things that needed doing. I have been at a marking standstill for 2 days, mostly because I can’t concentrate.

I think an early bedtime is in order.

2007-05-25-cg0472napoleon

Bad Decision Dinosaur by the inestimable Cat and Girl.

Posted by: rocketbride | January 13, 2016

alone in a darkened room

Today I’ve been thinking about the opening scene of the Hunger, a movie that is just an excuse for one gorgeous scene after another. Catherine deNeuve and David Bowie stalk two young people in a club, take them to their house and kill them because they’re vampires. The whole time, “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” is making a mess of everyone’s nerves. When I first saw it, it’s exactly what I wanted clubs to be like: dark, dangerous, sexy, and stalked by beautiful vampires.

Today I’ve been thinking of Bowie covers and remakes, trying to figure out if anyone could be the Goblin King or John Blaylock. But there really is no point to a remake, just a continuation with others. There is a Bowie-shaped hole in the world now. It is so powerful that even in death he convinces people that “The Man Who Stole The World” was his own hit, and not an obscure track made famous by Cobain’s chillingly exhausted take.

I could still be talked into a fusion between the Hunger and Hungry Hearts. Adam Driver as John, Alba as Miriam. The baby’s not getting enough blood to survive, so they argue about what kind of human blood to give him? I don’t know, this stopped making sense a long time ago.

Posted by: rocketbride | January 12, 2016

tiny sorrows

“He took it all too far, but boy, could he play guitar.”

I’ve been trying to avoid the Bowie coverage, because I heard the news when I was waiting in the Emergency Room, and many times thereafter. Oh, don’t worry, everyone is fine. Mason has a bad flu/cold and his asthma meds stopped working so we took him to the hospital in case he needed an x-ray or something. He wants to go back to work tomorrow due to extreme boredom. I, on the other hand, would love nothing more than a few sick days so that I could ship away at more of this marking that dogs my steps. I haven’t been very sick myself, but I’m doing more than my lazy self is used to, which means I spend less time caring for myself and more time staring at YouTube videos in a stupor in between bouts of laundry. I’m in a bit of a spiral. A mild one, though.

The other sounds-dramatic-but-isn’t-really thing is that my glasses broke just as I was putting them on my face this morning. It’s not like the morning lacks obstacles without my seeing machine disintegrating at the first possible moment.

I wore my backup glasses. They pinch my ears. The end.

Posted by: rocketbride | January 10, 2016

mothering a bit more than is my habit

I spent a long time mothering this weekend. It’s a funny thing; even when Mason is dreadfully sick, he’s still a more active parent than many of the dads in my generation. He still cooks dinner, gives Maggie baths and reads with them; he just can’t do anything for very long without needing to rest. In consequence, I’ve been herding the kids to the market, the grocery store, ice arenas and church. Fortunately, with three of them around it’s a lot easier than if I’m on my own with Maggie. The two boys do an ok job of helping me through things. And it makes me appreciate how very much energy Mason puts into parenting when he’s not sick as a dog.

I just wish my anxiety about the end of term would go away. I’ve only got 2 weeks before exams; you’d think I could give myself a break once in awhile. Then again, my increased anxiety may be a direct result of staying with the kids and thus not getting out to run. I’m starting to wonder how I dealt with the crazy before running, and how much better I could’ve done with it earlier. Oh well. Better late than never. At least I’m still climbing into my PB’s rather than seeing them fall away in the rear view.

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