Posted by: rocketbride | July 1, 2012

best life

man, this graphic never gets old. for me.

Well, hello. I didn’t quite fall off the earth, more like I clung to it for awhile and let the spinning lull me to sleep. I’ve been pretty low-energy during the days, which drags my motivation down to zero. Clutter piles up, clean laundry heaps in baskets, that sort of thing. And the idea of getting my thoughts in order for writing, well, it all seems like just too much effort.

Today was Canada Day, and I spent it with all of my kids and my husband. We had an impromptu extended family barbeque yesterday, so with that out of the way we were free to hang about the backyard, being lazy; when it got too hot we relocated inside without guilt and watched movies. The hammock is becoming my number one family resort destination this summer: I don’t even hear the conversation I’m making with Sage as the part of me not concerned with Lightning McQueen (that is, most of me) drops off to sleep. Sage telling me a story as he runs a car up my leg, Maggie on the other shoulder making random sounds and trying to get her foot into her mouth: paradise. Blake was off cycling with my dad, working off two days of grudges with me. He didn’t have a very good morning, or even a good afternoon, but he had a good evening and I’ll get him into the hammock tomorrow morning to make up for some lost time.

My running is also going reasonably well. This is the halfway point, the week at which you have to work hard to stay with the program. Me, I’ve been working hard all along. Every time I make it to the end of a new time block, I wonder why I thought a shorter block was such a big deal. If I carry on like this, I’m going to be suffering all the way until August, but at least I’ll be able to run the Terry Fox 5k this year rather than just walk it like I’ve always done.

Nic’s been training me with running in mind, making me do brutal breathing exercises and suicides. I actually fell twice this week, and again while I was in plank. Good thing I wasn’t too far off the ground any of those times. And despite the general lack of energy reported above, I do feel stronger and better these days. It’s such a weird thing to be 35 and at my physical best, with more in store.

It’s a good thing I genuinely like my house, my kids and my cutie, because I’ve been feeling a bit low in the last few days. Google+ had decided that I need to know what the New Girl is up to, despite my protestations to the contrary. It’s so very hard to stay away from those links, though, and once I click I get sucked into self-doubt. The worst part is that everything seems like a veiled criticism of me, although I realize that this is a paranoid judgement at best.

Last night I started to wonder if I had kept the Boy from living his best life, as now that he’s shut of me he’s writing fiction and appearing at conventions. But even if I was, it just doesn’t matter as a) we’re through b) I wouldn’t want to be with him anyway, and c) I feel like my own life has improved since we split. Am I living my best life? Selling veg at farmer’s markets, belly dancing, going to rock concerts, adrift in the bliss of my baby? Would I trade the righteous ping of happiness when Mason snuggles into me at bedtime for the chance to star in Exodus’ short film?

Nope. Even if I was back to buying fruit at No Frills, listening to CD’s in the car, and alone with Blake I wouldn’t trade it. He can have his best life. Much like my physical condition, my own life is the best it’s ever been and still improving.


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