Posted by: rocketbride | November 28, 2012

quiet collapse of all the good plans

I’m not having a very good night.

I look forward to Wednesdays in general: I don’t have to stay late after school, I get a night with both kids and Mason, and I get to go to the gym with my brother while Blake is at cubs. But it didn’t work out tonight.

For one thing, I needed to find some fundraising raffle tickets that I was given at least 6 weeks ago. Six weeks is a long time in my house, and the envelopes have been buried in the debris of my coffee table. I remembered coming across them recently, but I couldn’t remember what, if anything, had happened next. I’ve been poking around in the ruins for the last few days, but since tonight is the meeting I needed to get serious. I spent an hour tidying up my coffee table, only to admit at the end that the envelopes were nowhere to be found. I finally discovered them on a nearby bookshelf, waiting patiently.

While all of this was going on, I wasn’t hanging out with Blake, because my dad had taken him off to his house so that they could paint Blake’s Kub Kar. They stayed there until nearly six, when dinner was just coming out of the oven. Mason had made dinner, but as I came upstairs to eat, he told me he needed to go out and see the doctor. I sat and fed the baby and waited for Blake to come home. Once he was home, he started quietly complaining about how lonely he was in Cubs ever since two of his best friends dropped out. Nostalgia for an earlier time when friendship seemed easy? Welcome to my life, kid.

Nic came over soon after, when I texted him that I wouldn’t be able to make our workout time. He kept the kids occupied while I booked Blake’s birthday party and made up a place-holder invitation for a kid at Cubs. I still get to pay him his fee, even though we couldn’t do anything. And while I want to treat him like a professional, I’m still pissed off at my night for making me waste money.

Blake went off to Cubs an hour ago, leaving me alone with the baby. She’s a sweetheart, but it’s hard to enjoy her soft fingers on my face and her six-tooth smiles when all I really want to do is hide. My anxiety has been really bad over the past week: I don’t know if it’s the shorter days or the stress of labour action or if I just need my meds adjusted. All I know is that I feel worried & exhausted almost all of the time, and I seem to want to snack constantly. I keep thinking that I’ll feel better as soon as I get something else accomplished, some looming deadline behind me, but I remain freaked out. Not good.

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